


pains and aches from deep inside

by arcanamagnus



Category: Transformers: Victory
Genre: ...somehow, Angst, Character Study, Chronic Pain, Gen, Masturbation, Spark Play, Touch-Starved, YES this is another sadsturbation fic, a whole sea of insecurities, so many headcanons in this you wouldn't believe, unconventional ways of dealing with physical and emotional pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25078993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanamagnus/pseuds/arcanamagnus
Summary: Leozack attempts to forget his shortcomings and his insatiable need to be wanted the only way he knows how.
Kudos: 6





	pains and aches from deep inside

**Author's Note:**

> sooo yeah i might have cornered a niche of character analysis through masturbation habits and i'm not really proud of it but either way. enjoy

Leozack wasn't meant to be alone. Actually, Leozack wasn't even meant to be _Leozack_ , so the list of things wrong here started at a very fundamental level, but he didn't want to think about the injustice and accident of his forging two fingers deep into his valve and his other hand inside his chest, dipped into his horrible, unstable spark.

Starting again, he wasn't ever meant to be alone. Despite the neglect and mistreatment that marked his first few vorns, Leozack had always at least had Lyzack. By the time they reached adulthood and began to have serious duties apart from each other, Leozack had ~~been shoehorned into~~ earned his squad and met _Hellbat_ — someone who was as willing to pay him attention as he was to pay it back —, and his codependency issues remained well fed and unaddressed.

In a way, Leozack was tempted to blame Hellbat for how damn lonely he felt all the time now, but he knew the rift between the two of them had been dug by both parties, as much as they stupidly often met at rock bottom for one "last" kiss or bite or frag or simply holding each other tenderly petting each other's wings and— Leozack buried his face further into the pillow with a whimper, the very thought of loving physical contact making his valve clench and his spark flare even hotter against his fingers. _Either way_ — he tried again —, the original break-up had been hard on him, and every subsequent one just reopened the wound times ten. He was always _so ready_ to let Hellbat use him again, even as he so fiercely clung to the principle that he was dealing with this touch-starved molten slag _alone_.

There had been other people, of course there had been — Leozack threw himself into his work, but there'd always come _some_ well-intentioned slagger to check on him and make sure he's okay and _oh no, now you have a crush on them_ . And Leozack wasn't just flattering himself when he admitted he was plenty attractive and that it wasn't too hard to ensnare all those kind coworkers. He'd fumbled his way into plenty of ill-advised relationships that way, some even with _Autobots_ — and no, not even as one-night stands; he wasn’t very fond of intimacy without feeling behind it, on both sides —, and all to quell that horrible fundamental loneliness that gripped his spark so hard sometimes it split in two or three and proceeded to excruciatingly hurt all the way until all pieces melded back together into the misshapen half of a _thing_ Guard scientists failed so hard at making.

_No_ , no thinking about all that now. It didn't matter that he was made all wrong or that he was prone to loving too much and getting himself hurt, what mattered was overloading himself so hard that the mere thought of having someone touch him would be repulsive for a day or two after.

His overly hot spark had burnt off most of the sensors in his left hand at this point, but he hooked a finger at the lip of the casing's opening and protracted his claw right against it and he muffled a thoroughly wrecked moan against his shoulder at it. The fingers of his other hand were still in his valve, mostly so he'd have _something_ in there to make him feel held — he didn't really get much from penetration otherwise —, and he thought of adding another, and then another, just because he could, because _at least_ his fucked up internals gave him a rather roomy valve that had had more than just a few hands go in it throughout his 554,000 years of history.

Leozack whimpered, claws truly ripping at his spark now and hips shimmying from side to side just to _feel_ . He so desperately wished he wasn't _alone_ so he could feel someone's weight against his fuselage and maybe a hot, dangerous mouth on his wing or whispering into his audial how _good_ he did today and how much he mattered to them and how everything would turn out just fine and that he was perfect just the way he was and…

He couldn't contain the senseless sobbing when it began. _Why was he never enough?_ Why couldn't anybody love him as-is without manipulating him or using him just for interface or as a status symbol or leaving the second he opened up for real? He just wanted to be touched, to be _seen_ , to be loved and respected and just to feel the undeniable pressure of something living against his plating, just a little

His spark hiccupped on his fingers and the minute pain that bloomed from it had him in a momentary panic. He couldn't split. Not now, not when he was Deathsaurus' second-in-command, not when they were so close to getting the Fortress back. He couldn't afford to be out of commission with spark pain and its full-body ramifications — he was finally _important_ , recognised; he couldn't lose it all to his chronic malfunction.

Leozack pulled his hands out of himself — one burnt to a crisp, the other sticky with lubricants — and braced himself on his elbows, mouth agape with broken gasps. He forced his chest plating shut, but the ache still radiated through his circuits, cruel as ever.

He needed to call Jallguar, have him fix that miraculous coding patch that kept his day-to-day pain under control because he was nowhere near the point in his spark's cycle where so much as _jacking off_ would trigger a flare-up, but shame held him back. Leozack wasn't exactly shy about sexual matters — all his teammates had seen him with bite marks or someone else’s fluids in very conspicuous places at some point or another —, but his team cyberneticist had parsed through enough of his bad coding over the millennia to know where all his related insecurities laid and he _really_ didn't want to be questioned about that right now, so he psyched himself up for dealing with it alone.

The easy way to make the pain leave his mind was to have someone absolutely wreck his valve, but that wasn't exactly an option either, so he rolled onto his back and trailed his still sticky hand back down. His valve was still so tacky and wet from before and he didn't think twice before sinking all four fingers back into it with a muted groan. Waves of pain still radiated from deep inside as he brought his other hand to claw at his chest vents, but the more superficial ache of his sore node against the heel of his hand had all his attention now.

Primus, that felt good. Take _that_ existential spark-deep fear of abandonment; Leozack was a strong and independent F-14 Tomcat and didn't need anybody else to make him feel complete.

A few more slamming thrusts and a broken vent slat later, Leozack finally moaned his completion. His body still ached more than it ought to, but it was dulled and rendered almost pleasant in the afterglow. He'd still have to see Jallguar though, if not for the spark pain making a comeback then for his burnt hand, broken slat and assorted heat of the moment scratches.

But at least he felt… mostly fine now. He didn't _need_ anyone, not like that, at the moment, and he hoped the feeling would stay for a while. The underlying causes remained unaddressed, and they'd stay that way if he had any say about it — he _hated_ sharing his misery —, but he was _fine_.

Sinking further into bed, Leozack summoned a cleaning cloth from subspace and proceeded to call Jallguar for an appointment.


End file.
